What boggles my mind is if one does not believe in God, where does one's purpose come from? Where does meaning come from?

Also, the atheists I know appear to be as moral if not more so than anyone else. How is this possible? Doesn't atheism equate to hedonism, or solipsism? I know I asked Ol' Monkeyface this question months ago but it still doesn't make any sense to me. I guess I feel like I should have a unique contribution to the world in order that my life have meaning. Yesterday I was not feeling as if I had a unique contribution to the world.

Work is become horrifying with its politics and confusion, changing plans daily. I feel like a rag doll that has been dragged in the gutter. I am prevented from doing the simplest of tasks.

Anyway. I couldn't sleep. I'm a mess. Nothing makes any sense. I'm just not a happy camper right now. I pissed off one of my friends and that really isn't a good feeling. It could be one of the worst feelings for me.

So I will be working on getting this place in order in the next couple of weeks. Consider this your waning that this place may be in disarray, or down for a while.

The other day My friends and I were discussing religion, law, justice and morality I was asked "Don't you believe in God because you are afraid of going to hell?"

I answered no. If hell is someplace that is on fire and you shovel hot coal or are eaten and ingested and excreted by the devil endlessly, eh. that sounds kinda boring. I am not, you know, seeking that out. But neither is that a reason to do, or not to do anything.

What I fear is purposelessness. I need a reason. I need a why. I am looking to God to provide the why. When i am depressed, like now, I don't know why. I don't have a reason.

If hell is a state of mind, if it is purposelessness. Then yeah, I am afraid of it. I would do anything to avoid it. Anything.

OK, it wasn't simply a day. It was more like a couple months. It was my first year away from home at UC Davis. I was studying Zen Buddhism in one of my Religious Studies classes. I was hating my parents. I wanted to reject every little bit that they had taught me, especially anything relating to Christ.

I tried to clear my mind of the existence of God. I attempted to live in a world swept free of any expectations.

Everything became vast and arid. My mind was a desert. I was wandering. I had no hope of living. Nothing to live for, no purpose. I didn't know why I was alive. Wasn't it all an accident? There is a futurist play where a man sits at a table. On the table there is the morning paper and a pistol. He examines both. Holds them both, one in each hand. In a futurists vision both these choices were equally valid. The curtain goes down and once the curtain is closed we hear a loud bang. The gun was fired.

I was attempting to live for the moment. This made me not really want to do my homework all that much. Why bother? Who cared? Nothing had any cohesion. Everything seemed to pull apart and crumble in my hands. I was miserable, thinking about killing myself. Did I have a plan? I don't remember. I don't think I did. But I was looking for an opportunity. Any excuse.

I was hoping it would be a freeing experience but I was desperate, alone, and without a sense of purpose. I had lost my sense of humor.

I think ultimately I realized I was asking the wrong questions. I decided that I needed to worry less about the whole affair and enjoy the life I had.

I still think about this sort of thing way too much and without enough structure.

More Later,

...is a train.

We had this very involved discussion today regarding morality, law, god, right and wrong. It has left me feeling woozy.

I felt self conscious about my earlier post abut the three words. What works at I Don't Think doesn't necessarily work here. That's OK, miceland readers are more reserved and less in number. I won't hold it against you.

Speaking of which. Mrs. mice says she has been feeling some faint internal soccer playing. This is very good news. I myself have not witnessed any of this as whenever I'm around apparently its time for faint internal sleepy byes. No problem. It is just that way today.

I am tired and I want to go home. So. I'm going home.

schadenfreude.
scha·den·freu·de (shädn-froid) n. Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

[German : Schaden, damage (from Middle High German schade, from Old High German scado) + Freude, joy (from Middle High German vreude, from Old High German frewida, from fr, happy).]

The historian Peter Gay -- who felt Schadenfreude as a Jewish child in Nazi-era Berlin, watching the Germans lose coveted gold medals in the 1936 Olympics -- has said that it "can be one of the great joys of life." --Edward Rothstein, "Missing the Fun of a Minor Sin." New York Times, February 5, 2000

Taken from dictionary.com

I have been thinking about the rapture lately. I saw some programs about Heaven and Hell and the Apocalypse on the History Channel and I surprised myself by ranting about the redo of Dawn of the Dead in this manner. This is on the Arrow in the Head Horror Bilboard

This is the rapture, of which I was referring to earlier. The story goes that Christ rises from the dead, the Antichrist is defeated, the dead are resurrected and judged. Those who are judged favorably live with the resurrected Christ on Earth for 1000 years. Those who are not judged favorably go to hell with the Antichrist forever. Its has nothing to do with hell being full. I do know something about Christianity. Please don't assume that I am preaching to y'all. I am not asking you to believe in the Bible, but I cannot bear to have it misquoted. The rapture is Gods final plan for the Earth. In the Bible at least, there is room enough in hell for everyone.

OK that said, could DOTD be making reference to the rapture? Yeah its possible, this would be a very heretical view. Taking elements from the Bible and making them horrible. Like saying Jesus shared his blood and lives forever so maybe he is a vampire. That sort of thing. Its not in the Bible but through the filter of Romero it could have been his twisted take on the Bible story.

Do I believe this will happen? Yeah. I do believe this will happen (the Rapture, not that Jesus is a Vampire). Am I going to go out on the corner with a sandwich board and yell at people all day? No. I think we can all say that that is an ineffective way of getting one's message across. Do I believe there is anything that can be done to prevent the Apocalypse? Not really. Do I think salvation through Christ is possible? Yes. But I think he saves you. I don't think you can save yourself. Its not like a class that you take.

Well this is what has been on my mind lately. Don't feel that I want to convert any of you any more than I want to convert anyone on the Arrow billboards. As evidence of this I just asked my good friend DD if she would take me to Hindu Temple. Hopefully we will go next week. I feel all expressions of faith are valid. Just no heavily armored compounds where you have several underage brides. That is where I draw the line guys.

More Later,

Its Good Friday today. What is that you might ask? Good Friday is the day that Catholics and some Christians remember Christ's Crucification and death. I'm just being quiet and working. I remember when I was young my mom would allow me to read comic books as long as it was quietly from 12-3. Also as a kid I would fast. Today, no such fasting is occurring.

I am looking forward to Easter Mass this Sunday and also Easter Brunch. I'm not what you would call a good Catholic, but it still means a lot to me to show up at least once in a while.

I probably won't know if the holter recorded anything of interest for a couple days yet. My doc will prolly send me a letter if its normal. If not they will probably call me and set up an appointment.

More Later,